She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
