This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
