my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize