Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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