so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
