Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
