Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
