Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
