You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
