I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
