I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
In other news, I just burned my penis
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
