I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
