I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
