i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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