Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
