i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
