it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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