Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
