Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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