the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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