the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize