I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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