Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
