Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
