I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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