It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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