just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
