why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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