you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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