Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
if only i could text you this smell
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
