i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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