in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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