No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
