porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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