just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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