Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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