I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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