so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
