Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
