as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
