That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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