I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
