there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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