I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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