just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
