wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
