I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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