I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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