Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
