he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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