Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
