yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
