Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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