false alarm. still invincible.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
